January 1, 2015

Debbie,

I struggled with my thoughts when I read your post and your explanation for it. I've read your poems. Some time ago, there was another poster who posted about wanting to end it all because the pain of having to endure his disease was bad but witnessing the pain his loved one endured on account of his disease, and her inability to help him, was even worse. I remember replying and saying what a bad idea it was.

Truth is, only you know your story and only you know how much it is affecting you. I have no idea of your level of suffering or the everyday circumstances of your life. Anything I say is only with myself in mind i.e. what I would choose and what I would or would not do.

I've tried to reply to your post several times and, each time, it sounded so trite and full of platitude. I don't know what you *should* do. My hope is that you choose to stick it out. That you may find some purpose in life which goes way beyond your daily dealings with Meniere's Disease. From your reply it sounds as though you are lonely and terribly isolated from social contact. That must be a scary place. I have never been completely alone even in the worst of times, so again, I don't know what that must feel like. I think that is what is driving you to the conclusion you have selected rather than the disease itself.

You say you continue to make people think everything is okay when it isn't. Don't. Don't feel responsible for other people. It's hard enough, some days, feeling responsible for ourselves. Perhaps a starting point is to tell people who ask how you are actually feeling. My personal experience is that most people want to help when they are made aware. I don't know if you got tired of doing that and just quit. You haven't said much about yourself but, from your replies (and writing), you come across as being very intelligent, sensitive, articulate and a thinker.

I am not sure what the best solution for you is. Only you know that. I believe that whatever choice you make, needs to be made with a clear and rational mind, not an emotional one. Emotions are deceptive and fickle. What you "feel" may be destroying your life could change in six months and it would be so sad if you were not here to enjoy it.

I wonder if there are any volunteer groups in your area where people come to visit and spend time with those in need, like they do in hospitals. Perhaps a visitor, once or twice a week, could give you something to look forward to, someone to talk to, someone with whom you could read poetry and discuss it. Sometimes complete strangers can gibe us more than our family and friends can.

You will have to make the effort to reach out. It's very possible that you will find a hand that reaches out toward yours.

 

There have been so many times in my life when I thought I just couldn't possibly take it any more. Life was just too painful.
So many tragic times that I'd never thought things could be any worse, sometimes things got worse.
So many times I held a bottle of pills in my hand and wondered if I could do it. I've never told these things to anyone.

Looking back I see so many things I would have missed. I'll look at someone and think of what pain I would have caused them. Somehow I always dug deep within me and found the strength to carry on.
I've been depressed. I've isolated myself. I didn't care about myself. My personal hygiene...I didn't care anymore. I slept as much as I could and I took medications just to sleep, just to escape.
I finally found a great Psychiatrist who prescribed the right meds and weaned me off the ones I had become dependant on.
I found this place and researched. I found a Dr who would prescribe me antivirals and after a few months I started to see a flicker at the end of the tunnel.
I've made some very supportive friends here. Yes, I call them friends because I can share anything with them and they will not judge me.
This is what you need.
I'm here for you.
Others are here for you.
I wish you would check in with us all more. I think you'll find something or someone here willing to just talk to you, sometimes that's all it takes to make our life more bearable.

 

Has anyone heard from Debbie since her statement above? I did a search on Yahoo and found two Debbie Hasselbach's, one in Baltimore, MD and another in Knoxville, TN. If anyone on this forum lives near those areas please try and find her as time is running out if she still plans to kill herself.