For those that don't know me here is a little background so my question makes sense (for those that are familiar, please hang with me a moment): My sister in law hates me. She and my hubby have never gotten along (according to him) and when we got married she started treating me like the cheerleaders treated the ugly nerdy girl at school... There was lots of drama as my hubbys dad died from cancer just 6 weeks after we got married. The following May she moved to the next state, 6 hours away. When she was around she refused to talk to me or got snarky. She was horrible to their mom when she started dating. Lots of drama, lots. She's been rotten to us, and when I have tried to make amends and extend an olive branch she has fired off accusations that are delusional at best and accused me of "ruining" her relationship with her brother and keeping him away from his family... (none of these things are true) So, she's getting married on June 14th (their dad's birthday and yes there is a story there too). I was not invited to the bridal shower but have been invited by her soon to be mother in law to the "Money Tree" shower for the couple. We have yet to receive a wedding invite though she has mailed them out weeks ago. When I ask my mother in law about the wedding plans, all I get is "I don't know" or short answers, which is not characteristic of her. I asked about their honeymoon and was told she wasnt supposed to tell. The money tree party is to raise money for the honeymoon. They are only registered at Wal-Mart and when I asked if there was anything they needed that wasn't on the register my MIL said "look at the register", and its been picked clean. I was told they needed money to go on a honeymoon (thats how I got around to asking where they were going) We are going to the "money tree" party this weekend. But how much should we give? We just bought a house and are trying to get things in order and having to buy things we never had to have before because we rented. So we are kind of short on cash. What about the wedding? We know its at "his" church, but don't know where that is but we do know the time. We haven't gotten an invite though she told her mom she sent one weeks ago. (we have received every other bit of mail) Do we "crash" the party or do we simply not go? My family said that we ought not go and that we ought to not give a dime to the "tacky money party". But they can't stand her because she was rude to them too. I'd love some suggestions. I can elaborate about the hateful stuff she's done if anyone has a burning desire to know.
Why would you even consider going to either event? I think it is a no brainer, she is rude and disrespectful to you and your husband. Perhaps you feel obligated because you are "family." You have not been invited to the wedding, that's an easy out. Do you really need this kind of drama in your life? Stay home and save your money for something that you need for your new house.
It hurts . Family stinks and that is all there is to it. I would send them a card with a gift card and wash my hands with it. I would only send a card if that is what I feel I want to do not out of obligation because since you didn't get an invite you are not obligated. I am not sure I would even go to the money tree party. Easy for me to say I am not in your shoes and feeling like I got stung by a wasp. Here is my thoughts.... She doesn't like you and doesn't want you there. I have been in those shoes. I just smile and nod and go my own way. Its hard but its what she probably wants too. Since this your sister-in-law I would ask your husband what he wants. Fact of the matter is the only one who is important is your husband and kids and that is who you should do what is best for. Best of luck and hugs!
Okay, you didn't get a wedding invite. You didn't get a bridal shower invite. You aren't in the loop about the wedding or honeymoon and now you are expected to go to a money tree event to give them money when you're strapped yourself?? Listen, I have family problems too so I know from where I speak. Don't guilt yourself out!! If a reconciliation is coming, it will when it's time not when you're giving away money and have been left out of everything else! I also agree that a money tree event is TACKY! I'm fact, I've never even heard of one. Use the money you would give to buy something special for you and your husband that you will enjoy for your new home and congrats on the new home, . This makes me so mad!
UPDATE I received the wedding invite yesterday evening. She sent it to the old address ( though she had the new one before she mailed them, my MIL made sure of that)... I've only ever seen a money tree once, just once, and it was an Eastern Star event where we all donated to an individual's travel expenses when he was elected to Grand Chapter or something. I've heard of it being done for people who lose everything in a fire or something, but I've only ever seen the one at the OES. I think its tacky beyond words, and I understand the Honeymoon money thing, we were broke when we scheduled ours. But we saved for it before the wedding and took a modest trip to Gatlinburg. A few family members gave us money specifically for the honeymoon (dad gave us a couple of hundred dollars, and my bro in law gave us ticket money for the Dixie Stampeed.) The rest came from me working extra hours at my part time job. So I get needing money for the honeymoon, but I think specifically asking for it like that is kind of tacky... My hubby said last night we have to go to the wedding because we did get an invite. I'd thought about wearing a red dress because she changed out of her bridesmaid dress and into a red dress for the reception at mine, but my better judgment may get the best of me.
First off, (imholdingback) If you cannot afford a "honeymoon", DONT GO ON ONE. WTH is a Money tree event?? WHO does that? I am sure there will be ships, planes and buses to take a later honeymoon, WHEN you can afford it. Talk about spoiled. Does she stomp her feet too when she doesnt get her way? Second of all, you have 2 choices (noneofwhichIwould take) Screw the money tree event,,, tacky! Go to the wedding and be ignored. She knew exactly where she sent the invitation. Did she need alot of attention as a child?? Dont go to the wedding, which probably wont make much of a difference ANYWAY, since you will be ignored if you do go. How old is this child anyway? Let them celebrate without you. You can always send a "congrats" card to her old address. I dunno, the witch doesnt sound right to me... maybe send happy pills instead.
Yea she is spoiled as hell. Her last fiance (did I even spell that right?) she said she wanted this 5200.00 ring but would "settle" for something less. I kid you not. She is 33 (?) going on 15. Im kinda sad for her because she is so miserable of a human being. My hubby said we would put 20 bucks, maybe 30 on the money tree (thats a dinner out if they are conservative) and screw any other gifts. I think it hurts the most that I really wanted to celebrate with her (despite her dislike) and she has made it clear that can not happen.
I can understand the family obligations. Will you feel better if you go? Because it sounds to me as if you really do want to be a part of this special day regardless of the bad feelings involved. You could just go and if things get weird, leave. Usually weddings are so busy that there isn't much time for big dramatic scenes. I still wouldn't go to the tree thing because you weren't invited to the shower. That's just me. I'd say I have a previous obligation. Or go and don't leave anything and say it must have gotten lost in the mail, lol!
If you go to the wedding, go to enjoy the time with the rest of the family. It really does not matter what she did/does. Conduct yourself according to your standards, not hers. Don't be petty just because she is unless that is what you value and how you want to be remembered. The shower is optional. Skip it if you are not comfortable with it. You can go to the wedding, say hello to family members and leave early. But conduct yourself with dignity, don't try to even any scores. I am sure that this persons antics are well known already.
we went to the Money Tree shower. It was awkward. When she did open the card (containing 30 bucks) from my hubby and I, she did not make eye contact or thank us, she slid the card into a pile of open cards and kept right on opening. She'd thanked several other folks for their card and gift. Her finance made a point to thank us before we left. This did happen, and Im not sure it was intentional, my hubby says maybe not, but it felt weird. At the end of the deal we were about to leave and she gave us each a hug, sort of a sideways hug, but a hug none the less. She commented on my hubbys weight loss (he's lost 20 and I've lost 12). (Now I have to preface the rest with this: Im trying to lose weight so my hubby and I can have kids. I have to lose a minimum of 100 lbs before they will try fertility treatments for my PCOS so we can conceive. Im 37 and we want dearly to have a family. The weight comes off very very slowly for me because of the PCOS, and time is of the essence. I have discussed this on facebook with some friends, my sister in law is not friends with me on Facebook but someone keeps her informed I discovered, on my posts. It is not a secret that I have to lose a pile of weight to have a baby, or even to adopt. My BMI has to be below 35 before we can adopt, or try fertility drugs. I have a long ways to go and Im quite sensitive about it) That being said, she says to my husband and I, I have to lose 10 lbs before I can have kids, but Im not planning on it. And she expounds upon this several times for no reason we could discern. She has made it clear they aren't going to have any, and in years past said she didn't want to be pregnant and fat and ugly. But she made it a point to say she had to lose just 10 lbs before she could have kids in front of me knowing that I have some where between 100-150 to lose. My hubby told her his best friends wife was a "big girl" and had a baby just fine. She said "oh I didnt think she was that big before the baby" I said "yes she was a little bigger than me before she got pregnant" She said "well, my dr said I had to lose at least 10 lbs, maybe more if I wanted to have a baby, but I dont. But if I did." She never did say thank you for the card and money. Wh well.... I took this as an affront. My hubby said he didn't think she was being directly mean. Maybe I'm just really sensitive about this because my older sister keeps telling me its "okay to not have kids" and my younger sister (the nurse) tells me that Im too unhealthy to have babies because of menieres, blood pressure and my weight. (the bp is actually under control now and is often low). My GP thinks I'd be fine now having a baby, but my OB wants me to lose 100 lbs so we can try fertility treatments. You see because of the PCOS I don't ovulate much, if at all. So Im quite sensitive about all of this. I don't understand why she has to be so mean. Its like she goes out of her way to be hateful to me. Maybe I read something into her comments that I shouldn't' have. Maybe. I don't know. All I do know is I have to attend the wedding even though I don't want to. I'd rather dig a ditch or drink kerosene.
Why do you give her this power over you? When you quit caring what she says or does, it will take away all her power.
My hubby said that same thing. I've tried not to care, and as soon as I think I have that down pat, she does something else. I dread holidays now that she is back in town. Its going to be nothing but drama. We go to Savannah for Thanksgiving so we don't have to deal with her. Christmas we will have to be in town and it will be nothing but drama. I just want to be done with her. She clearly hates me and doesn't want me around, I just want to be through with her. But its all kinds of BS if we don't go to a holiday supper or church service we're invited to. She finds a way to twist it and make me the bad guy for simply existing.
I'm guessing that if she mentions things over and over again she is trying to taunt you. You are also sensitive about these issues and how she treats you so anything could be misinterpreted. Finding out she's finding out things about you through a Facebook friend probably would have pissed me off. I guess for the sake of the family you try to be diplomatic. Me, I would just tell her off. Then again, the others are right in that you shouldn't let her have this power over you. I mean, do you really give a F what she thinks about you? She's the idiot. I wonder what she would do if every time she made a snarky comment you hit back with one of your own? You have enough time to prepare for it. And why the hell would you let her take away the Joy of the Holidays or any time spent with family?? If she's going to dish, she sire as hell better be able to take it!
Im kind out of respect for my MIL. Honestly I want to spew my raw thoughts in my SIL's direction. I don't, but boy do I want to. I DID post a blanket "don't share my posts with people not on my friends list" thing on FB. I have privacy settings for a reason, and although I DO post alot, I don't post everything that runs through my head. know what I mean? Oh well.
I don't think it is a matter of caring or not caring but a matter of tolerance. Tolerate her as best as you can and if you can't, walk away from the situation. I'm not sure how it helps to stew in negative emotions and thoughts about anyone, family or not. You DO have a choice but maybe you don't want to take it. You can choose to separate yourself from these events or attend them for the sake of presence and leave your feelings at home. I'm sure your SILhas her reasons for not liking you. They may be right or wrong, or entirely based on her feelings rather than logic. Fact is we all have our opinions and they are subjective but we can't operate in the real world on feelings alone, mostly because that just continues to harm us.
Lord have mercy.... We went back over to the "old" house that my SIL is going to move into to get the last of the stuff we had stored. Her fiance was there and you know, he is a really nice guy. My hubby and I chatted with him and you know he is a really nice guy. He happily told us they were going to disney and offered to haul off the "junk" we were going to fill the trash can with. On top of the pile of stuff she moved from the room where we had stored it, there were two very unflattering pictures of me that were taken last year. We had asked her not to take any pictures, and she did anyway (she does this everytime there is an event). So my hubby shook his head and said "just toss those pictures babe, there's no telling why she put them in this pile of stuff". But we did discover her soon to be hubby is a really nice guy. I kinda feel sorry for him.