In 2013 my older brother passed away in his sleep from a massive heart attack. He was 52 years old. We were very, very close as we were only 14 months apart in age. To say that I was devastated by his death would be an understatement. I still have a lot of days where I struggle with his absence in my life and I miss him just as much today as I did the day he passed. A month ago on the one year anniversary of his passing, many friends and family members wrote some wonderful things on his Facebook page saying how much they missed him, how blessed they felt to have known him etc. I was very touched by their kindness as were my parents and younger brother. My cousin, however, decided to post a picture of my brother’s headstone with an empty beer can sitting on it. Yes, my brother liked to have a beer on occasion so I understand she meant no disrespect but my parents and I found the picture to be in very poor taste. Maybe I’m being a bit too sensitive but I don’t feel that someone’s final resting place should be used as a Facebook photo op. I sent my cousin a message asking her very nicely to please remove the photo as my parents and I found it very upsetting. Her response to me was not what I expected. Instead of just apologizing and agreeing to remove the photo, she sent me a very lengthy and somewhat hostile message justifying why she posted the photo and that I was taking it the wrong way and no one else seemed upset by it and so on and so on. She did take the photo down (and I thanked her for doing so) but since then she has cut off all communications with me. I’ve sent her messages and she doesn’t respond to them. So what should I do? Just let it go for now and hope that one day down the road she’ll get in contact with me again or do I keep trying to reach out to her in the hopes that eventually she’ll respond? Thank you in advance for any advice you can offer. I’m pretty much at a loss as to what to do. Lulu This is a photo of me and my brother that was taken by our Mom. This photo means the world to me as it's the last one we ever had taken together with just the two of us in it.
Lulu, I don't have any advice all I can offer is a hug because I lost my older brother in a car accident almost 20 years ago and I still find myself thinking of him as my kids grow up and shed a little tear. He was my world and hero in life, he gave so much and asked for so little in return. I don't think you ever get over it, you just deal with it in the best way possible. All I can say is focus on the positive and let the negative go. Is there anyway you can take his Facebook page down or inactivate it. (((((Hugs))))))
Thank you BD. I'm so sorry you lost your brother too. I never thought I would lose one of my brothers at such a young age. It's a heartache like nothing I've felt before. I'm sure you feel the same way about your brother too. If it were left up to me I'd memorialize my brother's Facebook page so it would still be there for friends and family to see but no one would be able to post on it. My sister-in-law (brother's wife) likes being able to post on it from time to time though so she wants to leave it active. It's a comfort to her and I wouldn't want to take that away from her. Until this incident we've never had any problems with upsetting or inappropriate things being posted. (((Hugs))) to you BD
Thank you so much Rose. I have that picture hanging right above my desk where I can see it every day. Most days it's a comfort to me but some days it's still a little painful for me to look at. I think you're right that the best way to handle it for now is just to let it be and see if she reaches out to me. I feel I've done all I possibly could and I can't force her to stay in touch with me. It's very hurtful though to have something like this come between us. We've always been so close. Even as children she was more like a sister to me than a cousin. I'm probably a little more emotional than usual right now with the holidays and my brother's birthday just a couple of days away and having to go through all of these events once again without him. He was always the life of the party wherever he went and his passing has left such a huge void in our family.
Hi Lulu, I am so sorry to hear about your loss. and I agree with Just Rose. Your cousin was being insensitive, and was out of line saying everyone was okay with it, obviously that's not the case. I would leave it alone, since to me she seems to care more about being right (by cutting you off) than you and your mom's feelings. IMO it's not worth trying to communicate with her. Hopefully she will get over her ego and realize she did a hurtful thing and reacted poorly when called on it.
Hey, Lu. In addition to the excellent advice already given, keep in mind also thats it's not uncommon for someone who feels ashamed of their actions to fall out of contact with those they've offended, or hurt. It's a defensive mechanism that allows them to avoid acknowledging the total weight of their actions. It can be painful to talk & look at someone you've hurt, & it's their way of avoiding having to do so. Of course, I could be completely wrong, & your cousin oblivious to her actions, though it's a common behaviour for people to employ when they've been charged accordingly that's worth remembering when things like this happen. If she's unresponsive to you're communication, I can't think of any advice to give you personally other than, perhaps, if you do see or speak with her sometime in the future to be gentle; though considering I find it difficult to imagine you being anything other than gentle, despite realising that we are all capable of holding two sets of books, I may be preaching to the choir in that regard *chuckles Beautiful photograph Big ol' bear hugs
A necessary caveat may need deployment. I've done that twice in 24 hours now. Reread PM's & emails before sending zem, Nathan. Reread zem. It's also worth keeping in mind that to be gentle & welcoming to others who have hurt or offended you, whom you wish to keep a relationship with, doesn't require transmogrifying into a human doormat. Nor does it require denying the reasons that offended you in the first place, or to make it out to the other that they've done nothing to offend you - often I've seen others on the receiving end of this defence mechanism pretend that the other did nothing wrong in an attempt to maintain the relationship, which ultimately both denies he/she who is offended of their emotions, & teaches, or encourages the other to believe that they are an exception to the universal law of causality. Both of which are negative things for both parties.
I think everyone has given you sound advice but the choice is ultimately yours. The only other thing I thought of was sending a note or a card expressing your loss of her friendship. However, IF she's not receptive, you may have to walk away so as not to cause yourself emotional stress. You're not responsible for her actions. BTW, I think posting a pic of a headstone with a beer can was in very poor taste.
Lulu, I am sad for you that you lost your brother. I lost my sister to cancer in 2009 when she had just turned 53. It still hurts like heck to be without her. Maybe you could try one more time to extend an olive branch to your cousin. Send a card or letter, as Bea suggested. Put it all out there for her. Let her know how it made you and your parents feel when you saw what she had done. Tell her that even though a year has passed, your brother's passing is still so fresh and you are still very emotional over losing him. Apologize once more for hurting her feelings and let her know that you and your parents were hurt and offended by the picture she posted. Send the letter and hope for the best. If she doesn't reply, it seems there is nothing more you can do. Maybe with the passing of time, the rift between the two of you will heal itself. I hope so. In the meantime, be good to yourself. Don't stress over it. You spoke up and let your cousin know how hurt you were over what she did. Nothing wrong with that. What a precious picture of you and your brother together.
Vicki, Nathan, Bea and Cheryl - Thank you all so much for your kind comments and all the thought and care you took in writing them. I truly do appreciate it. Vicki and Nathan I think you both may have hit the nail on the head. I think she may be feeling a little embarrassed by her actions and her ego may be a bit bruised and that's what's standing in the way of her responding to me. It certainly wasn't my intention to embarrass her. I was only doing what I thought was in the best interest of my parents and the memory of my brother and I hope eventually she'll realize that and understand it wasn't a personal attack on her. Bea I like the idea of sending her a card or a letter. It would probably feel more heartfelt and sincere to her as opposed to just sending her a message or a text. Very good idea indeed. Cheryl I'm so very sorry for the loss of your sister. My heart hurts for you. It's so painful having to say goodbye to a sibling. It's like they take a little piece of you with them that you can never get back when they go. A caring and understanding (((hug)) being sent to you from me.
Give it time and dont burn any bridges. I am sure your cousin is embarrassed by the whole thing but not the type who can graciously say so. In time things will repair themselves and you will be glad it didnt get blown out of proportion and so will other family members.
Thank you Bella and June. Saw a little glimmer of hope yesterday. I wished my family and friends a happy new year on FB and, while my cousin didn't share a comment, she *liked* what I wrote. A baby step but I'm hopeful it's a step in the right direction towards healing this rift between us.
That's a good sign! I thought maybe she was angry that what she did wasn't appreciated and would hold a grudge. I try to look on the bright side. I still think a, "Just Because," card with a note might be nice. I like old school for certain things. I hope this is a first step for you.