So we went to my sister in laws wedding despite the fact that we really didn't want to. We tried to be kind and good for my mother in laws sake at least. My SIL scheduled the wedding on her now deceased fathers birthday and made a big fan fare about the date to her mom while she was on her first anniversary trip with her new husband. (My late FIL will be gone 5 years in September) Everyone has said it was cruel, but what ever she has not gotten over her father's passing and has made everyone else miserable with her grief. So my husband and I were left out of every aspect of the wedding. She included ALL of her husbands family in the wedding party, but left my husband and I out. We weren't even seated with her mother as we were supposed to be. We were seated away from the aisle where she walked down and her uncles and cousins were seated along the aisle. She had everyone stay seated in memory of her dad after a long and very sad discourse by one of her uncles at the alter. She even had her wedding party march in on a song about someone in heaven looking down on a special day. Anyhow on her way down the aisle she made a point of hugging her uncles and cousins that were seated along aisle. My husband and I were very hurt that she made a point to include everyone but him. Personally I could have cared less by that point if I was included, but she made a special point to exclude him. My hubby was also very hurt that she made a event out of her dad not being there, (he was not at our wedding either and was suffering and dying with cancer. She made sure to call and remind us of that on the honeymoon too) and made sure to acknowledge her cousins and uncles but not Don. I know it was her wedding, but she went out of the way to be ugly I thought, and so did some of the guests. So Im officially done with her. How do I gracefully wash my hands of her and excuse myself from every family event she has a hand in for a while? Im afraid that if I am around her I will tell her exactly what I think of her and that won't be good.
I sadly have family like this. So I make sure that when I go to family events they are ones I am part of the planning. I am highly allergic to cinnamon. I wouldn't be surprised if at some point in my life I will have to call paramedics due to my reactions. My one family member makes a point to bake things with cinnamon then claims she forgot (she was told the day before). She is now told what to bring and the last time she brought extra that had cinnamon and it was promptly tossed in the garbage because she was met outside and the problem was resolved. She has caused me to not be able to go inside my mother home before leaving me on the porch in the rain. Thankfully porch is covered and has swings so other family sat with me until the house was aired. I suggest you draw a line and write out your rules for being at family functions and when functions happen be a part of the planning. Maybe even carry a mini recorder in your pocket so that you are not defenseless. Its hard when family becomes the enemy and its hurtful.
I don't know what to say. I have a hard time wasting my feelings on situations and people who are not healthy for me to be around. I have the ability to be around them but stay detached emotionally because it is not worth getting sick over. I don't know that you need to be graceful about anything as much as upfront. Speak from your heart. If being around this person makes you uncomfortable, you have two choices: 1) Don't attend any event that includes her. But, this would be like cutting off your nose to spite your face. 2) Attend the events knowing fully well she will be there. Wear your armor, get out that confidence, enjoy the company of other people who are there and allow yourself to have a good time. The world is full of people who don't like us or who we don't like. Tough shit. You get to choose how to navigate your environment and stay chill. Go for a long walk. It will clear your mind and get those good endorphins going.
The first word that came to mind was TACKY. I'm sorry you had such a bad time. Both of you. I think many of us experience family conflict in one form or another. Because it is family, you can't just say screw you even though you probably want to. I'm sure other family members noticed the disrespect done to you. Kudos to you for getting through it with out causing a scene. I would attend family events knowing this woman may act up. You're giving her the power she so desperately craves by showing her she annoys you. I would attend events, enjoy the rest of your family, and totally ignore her and any jibes thrown your way. Another possibility is to wait until no one can overhear you and just tell her what you think and make sure she knows that you think she's the petty one. Tell her you feel sorry for her that she needs to tries to sabotage you and your husband and that it will never work. Some family events just cannot be avoided. You know the situation, forewarned is forearmed. I can see this is really bothering you. I wish I had wiser words to give but this is how I handle our family events when we know there will be something done to try and spoil it for us. This young lady really needs to get a life.
Ah I put on my "happy face" every time Im around her, but she has spend quit a bit of time, I understand, telling everyone that Im keeping her hubby away from "them" and that he wasn't around when his dad died (both are flat out lies). Snotty comments flow from her mouth like telling her favorite male cousin "you are the brother I never had" when she was standing next to my hubby. Or standing next to me and telling her friends I said she was stupid when I protested she said "its not what you said, you think Im stupid anyway" (I asked her if she wanted me to show her how to knit when she admired a piece I was working on)... And the incessant looking at me and laughing when we have family gatherings or flat out pretending Im not even there when I address her for something (can you please pass the butter?) I don't know which high school snot Im going to get when we have to deal with her. Other people noticed and she always gets a pass. Its "you know shes just like that" or "give her time she'll warm up to you", etc. Ive known her 6 years, little has changed. We started going away for Thanksgiving so we don't have to deal with her or my younger sister (very different stress there, but still snotty and rude to us) Im already dreading Christmas, because every year its some sort of "you don't want to be here for Christmas Eve" if we have other plans, or "I don't understand why you aren't here Christmas morning for breakfast" when we have an hour or so drive to my dads to open gifts at 10. We can't make plans with my family without upsetting her. She turns everything into some kind of drama. No one in the family will say squat to her. If you try to reason with her she turns her nose up and walks off or makes delusional accusations and ignores the facts. Im sorry Im venting. My plan is to just not go to the Christmas or other event at her house. She doesn't want me there and frankly I don't want to be there. How do I bow out politely without telling her what I really think?
Rose you are some smart cookie. I read family issues like this and all I can think is been there done that. I always think of Zazu (the bird) in Lion King where he says "There is one in every family your majesty. Three in mine".
Nope. You gotta be happy for real. No point in putting on a happy face and seething underneath. C'mon Rogue, you've got so much to be happy about. What's the deal with giving your power and strength away like this? I don't understand. Be happy. Be genuinely happy. You've got your man on your arm, a nice home to come back to, family that loves you, a job, all your education, maybe a pet or two, and you're still focusing on the one thing that isn't going the way you want it to go? Why?! Who cares how other people are. We're all just people.
I would at this point having read your last comment flat out ask your parents if they notice this behavior. If they do then you can say well you understand why we can't come. If they don't notice or don't respond I wouldn't know what to say, other then they are ignoring it on purpose. I would make my self busy.
My Mother In Law and new Father In law are quite aware. The FIL says he prays she will stop hating everyone and that God will turn her heart (she hates him too), and my MIL keeps giving her what ever she wants despite how hateful she is. My MIL also pushes me to pray about it and to be graceful as God would want me to be. I think even the saints would be frustrated by this point.
It's just hurt caused by thoughts you think. Think different thoughts and you won't feel hurt. YOU have the power to not let anything or anyone hurt you. Always remember that.
This is the only way to get out of her clutches. You have to distance yourself mentally. You do not have to care what crazy stuff your SIL does. You can view her as a person with mental problems who you unfortunately cannot help. Keep a safe distance and move on.
Considering your threads regarding your sister in law & “Do I just attract jerks?”, my antennas picking up possible signals of greater complexity than those being discussed. Can you objectively think of any possible reward you may receive for playing the victim of your sister in law? I mention this because distinctions exist between victims who set boundaries accordingly & disarm unwanted adverse circumstances & acts promptly (which you seem not to do), juxtaposed to victims who do not, require victimization & the sympathy, attention, pity or compassion they receive from others as necessary to either maintain their role within a dynamic or to maintain independent behaviours of their own.
Very true. Sometimes we are the mean and ignorant people in other people's lives. That's why it is important to just practice tolerance, be mindful of the fact that we are all human and dealing with some kind of crap or the other on a daily basis, and not take things personally. There is very, very little that is truly offensive and hurtful in life. Very little. We create the bulk of our emotional pain and, if we just remember that, then we can learn to release things before they turn into poison.
I try to remind myself that this is not a dress rehersal, it is the onlylife I am going to get. As I get older, I am loathe to waste precious hours on drama, mine or anyone elses. It is remarkably simple to just walk away if I can get past that initial impulse to snap back.
I don't perceive any reward. I don't want nor do I need pitty, I have had plenty of horrible stuff happen to garner pitty if I wanted it. I am a seeker of solutions. Im smart when it comes to book knowledge, but clueless with human relations. It doesn't go well with many of my co workers that were fortunate to have graduated high school. I know I get on peoples nerves, I always have and those that are close to me (my hubby, some family, and friends) accept me for who and how I am and understand I am socially awkward and a bit annoying. Ok, Im seriously annoying. I have no clue what the hell is going on in pop culture, music or reality TV and can not follow conversations about it. I am, however, a history buff and have a great appreciation for archaeology news reports or even reports on economics and political affairs that affect our lives. This annoys people I work with because they have no clue what Im talking about or even care. Attracting jerks has been a pattern since I was a kid. Im a kind and good natured person, but I have very little tolerance for the kind of people who have no clue as to the world around them, but know about every reality show and film star's torrid life. I figure thats why people at almost every job I have ever had, eventually become annoyed with me. I want to discuss things that matter, things that affect our lives, and they want to clip coupons and talk about Survivor. I want to be social, I really do, but I have no clue as to how to go about it without making things worse. I went to a shrink once about it, and all they wanted to do was medicate not address the issue. He insulted me and my mom about 5 sessions in, and I was done. As far as my sister in law goes, her hate towards me started the moment her brother proposed and got worse when we got married despite their fathers fatal illness. Some of my husbands friends say she was mean spirited as a kid, and most of the people my dad knows that went to church with her have said she was cruel to her mother after their father died. Heck, she even snubbed my mother when mom came to hospice to check on her as their father lay dying. Mom spoke to her, and she walked off without saying a word and went over to her group of friends and laughed and laughed. My mom was appalled by her snotty behavior, and some of my SIL's cousins apologized to my mom. To my mother's dying day she never forgot that. One of my hubbys friends, who grew up with her, said the other day she hates anyone who cant do anything for her, or who she sees as a threat to her little game. I'm both, I guess. Im not as hurt now as I was last week. I have thought long and hard about it, talked to my sister (the one who is middle of the road anyhow the other one says to punch her, which wont do) and to my husband. I decided once the wedding gift for my SIL comes in, I will deliver it (or leave it on the porch if they aren't there) and I will never be back. She has looped us out of her life, so I will let it be. She is all pissy that we don't include her in our plans, but we have been excluded intentionally in hers so I won't go where Im not wanted. Its not an easy decision because I was raised that family is family even if they are jerks. You fly the white flag of truce for holidays and occasions like weddings and funerals. And I had honestly hoped we'd be friends. Its clear we can not be, and after five years of her being a rotten word I wont type here, its not going to change. So thats it. Im done