Oh my, it is getting really difficult dealing with my elderly parents as well as my elderly mother in law. My parents are 91 and 93, in good health overall but need help in their everyday chores. My mother won't cook anymore so my dad is left with doing the shopping and cooking. They can't see as well as they use to so they could use support with cleaning the house. They feel that they don't need any help in any area. Won't use a medical alert button even thought both have fallen and could not get up! They have each other so I don't worry as much about them as I do my mother in law who is alone. She has recently shown signs of severe forgetfulness. In particular she is having trouble remembering to take her medication. We have set up pill boxes for her, one for her morning pills and one for her evening pills. She does not get the concept that you take the AM pills in the morning after breakfast and PM pills before she goes to bed. So far she has doubled dosed on her pills because she can't remember if she took them or not even though the Monday pills are empty which means yes you took the Monday pills, so she takes Tuesday pills too. Today my husband went over and she took her morning pills at 11:00 am and her evening pills at 11:30. My husband taped the pill boxes and told her not to take another pill today and he would call her in the morning and tell her what to take....OMG I feel so bad for her because she is losing her mind and I feel bad for us (hubby and me) because she is causing us to lose our minds. Does anyone on this board have experience with aging parents? I could really use a buddy, anyone who could shed some light on what we might be able to do to help her with the pill dilemma? She does pretty good otherwise. Keeps a very clean house, she keeps herself neat and clean. She does forget to eat once in a while so we are tracking that for her too. I am open for any suggestions. She is 86 years old. I promised my kids I will not put them through what we are going through. When my husband and I reach 85 we are going to do a "Thelma and Louise" rode trip.
By the time my MIL was that age she could no longer live alone. The medications were a big thing with her, too. We always had to have someone stop in the morning and in the evening to ensure she took them and properly. Since that was being done, meals were provided at that time as well. After awhile she moved in with my SIL. We've always lived close to each other so everyone took turns caring for her. Her memory failed quickly and she was no longer able to do anything for herself. There came a point when she just slipped into a coma like state. We all knew she didn't want to spend her last time in the hospital, so we kept her at home. She passed surrounded by her children and grandchildren. I've never been that close to death before, and it really wrecked havoc on my emotions. I think each situation has to be individualized to the people involved. I'm selfish, I've always told my children that I expect them to adhere to the old ways and take care of me at home. I was adamant about not going into a "home." After seeing my MIL, I have reversed my decision about that. I cannot Imagine relying on my children for bathing, cooking, cleaning, personal hygiene, etc. I would however take care of my husband for as long as humanly possible. It's a quandary, to be sure. You need to do what feels right for you and your family. I've heard that having a home health aide can make all the difference. Sometimes they become a great friend to those they care for. You need to talk, I'm here.
Thanks Bea...it is going to be a journey. I told my husband we need to start paying really close attention to her and possibly look into assisted living at some point . She is a very social person so I think she would enjoy the camaraderie. We will keep her in her home for as long as possible and a home health aide might work. She doesn't trust a lot of people so not sure if she would let a "stranger" in the house. For now we will stop in daily to see what is going on and how many pills have been ingested if that continues to be out of hand then we will have to do something....
Red, Nice post, that is a really difficult situation because parents never want to admit to their kids that they need help after being the care takers all their lives. It's a sign if weakness for older parents to admit they need help. I have often felt their is strength in numbers, if you have brothers an sisters then approach the problem/issues in numbers as a family. I would really insist on at least an alert bracelet of some kind. Tough situation and tough decisions. Good luck!!!
Some of the assisted living facilities are wonderful for the elderly. They provide socialization and a safe environment. Some provide transportation for grocery shopping and medical appointments. Many of that age would like to be "independent" for as long as possible. It's understandable. At some point they do not recognize that they've become a burden for those that love them. (How I dislike to use that word, burden.) I think it's also a generational thing. People that age are used to be cared for at home or doing for themselves. My generation is more open to alternatives. I'm sorry you and your husband are facing these decisions right now. Communication is key! I think in both situations you need to decide each step as it comes, even if it requires getting power of attorney over our parents to do what's best for them. They may not recognize that you're caring for them to do what's in their best interests, but I know you guys will weigh every option carefully. One day at a time. One step at a time. You'll get through this.
We do have power of attorney over my mother in law. She could not live alone if it were not for us. I know what you mean by the word burden. My dad always says we never wanted to be a financial burden for you kids. What he does not understand is the emotional burden. I have 3 brothers and we all sat down and wrote my parents about our concerns for their safety. They keep coming back with "well if and when we need this" they don't understand that the "if and when" has arrived. And BD you are so right we tried to insist on the medical alert but they don't think they need it yet. It's like "you can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink" Like B says one day at a time...I just wish my mother who really does not want to live anymore would just lay down and go to sleep. I guess we wish this for everyone who is 93 and ready to go.
I hope you realize that it is truly understandable to feel the way you do. No guilt when you've done the best you can. Sometimes you'll need to take the bull by the horns. (All of these animal metaphors are funny)
Redwing, there are locked electronic pill dispensers available. They would sound an alarm and a light would flash when it was time for your MIL to take her meds. It will only dispense a single compartment at a time when the alarm goes off so she wouldn't have access to any other pills and couldn't take more than a single dose. Here's one on Amazon: http://www.amazon.com/Ivation-Automatic-Dispenser-Electronic-Medication/dp/B00FL623G2 There are also companies that provide electronic pill dispensers and monitoring. Works the same way but if your MIL wouldn't take her meds within a certain amount of time after the alarm went off, she would get a phone call reminder. There's a monthly monitoring fee but it might be something worth looking into to give you and your husband some peace of mind. Here's the link to one company that does medication monitoring: http://www.medminder.com/ For your parents, Meals on Wheels might be something to think about. We had them come to my Grandma's house once or twice a week until she became comfortable with them and then we had them out more often after that. She actually started looking forward to it. Our church had a Meals on Wheels program but they do have their own website too where you could find a local chapter near your parents: http://www.mealsonwheelsamerica.org/
Very true Red and well put, the burden is not financial it's emotional. And Yes, like you, I feel the same way about living, when I can no longer care for myself or the burden of living day to day gets too much I wish to fall asleep in the Lords arms and let him care for me. Red, I share your thoughts exactly.
Lulu thanks for the information. I had no idea they made pill boxes with alarms and flashing lights. This will be something I will look into if my MIL continues to be confused with the system we are trying to work with now. I talked to my dad abut Meals on Wheels but like everything else..."if and when we need it..." I do appreciate your suggestions. Thanks Bea and BD for the support, much appreciated. :-*
We are hoping that we have the pill issues somewhat under control after this weekend. We went over to check on my MIL and it was not good. She took her morning pills after her breakfast and then took her night pills at 10:30 am. We sat down with her and went over again how and why she needs to take her pills as prescribed. We explained to her the reason she is feeling so awful is because she is not taking her medication the way it is prescribed. We filled her pill boxes for the week and wrote on each day what time she is to take them. We also wrote on the pill box, IF CONFUSED ABOUT TAKING YOUR PILLS... BEFORE YOU TAKE THE PILLS CALL DOUG (my husband). Today I am going to make a chart for her so she can check off when she takes her pills (even though she does this on her calendar, she likes to check things 3 and 4 times...). She called us Sunday morning and this morning to say she had taken her morning pills. We stopped over Sunday night and she was all set. This morning when she called she said that her head was feeling much clearer. We told her as long as she takes the pills as prescribed each day she should feel better. Hopefully we will have a good week. One day at a time
This topic really hit home for me.This morning believe it or not I forgot to take my meds.I have a heart pill,Terazosin I'm supposed to take at bedtime but most of the time I forget and I'm only 71.I live alone.My daughter lives alone too but I prefer to live alone.I don't want to bother her.She has her own life to live.I don't want to be a burden to her. On May 30th I was walking across the street with my cane and fell down on the pavement.Daughter took me to the hospital.They took 5 x-rays of my wrist and said nothing was broken.They said I should ice my wrist and take Ibuprophen but after 9 days my wrist still hurts,not as much as when I first fell down but I still have some pain there.I also scraped my right knee and it was bleeding.I now have a scab there. Falling down is what really worries me.
One day at at time...MIL called this morning at 7:06. The Tuesday night time pills were empty. She was not sure if she took them Monday night. The Tuesday morning pills were still in the box. We assume she took the Monday night pills sometime during the day on Monday and then took the Tuesday night pills on Monday night. She could not tell us when she took them. We went over to her house today with a check off sheet I made up for her. Went over the sheet and she seemed to understand what we were asking her to do. She loves to check off things on her calendar and this will be in addition to that. On the check off list I put in bold letters, IF CONFUSED ABOUT TAKING PILLS CALL DOUG OR SHARON BEFORE TAKING ANY PILLS. I am going to call her PCP tomorrow. I think it is time to review all her meds, she is taking 3 blood pressure meds? I think it is time she is reevaluated. When she was orginally prescribed these meds she had a lot of stress in her life, that has been resolved somewhat. Along with question regarding all her medication I think she needs to be evaluated for early signs of dementia. I feel so sorry for her. She knows she is screwing up with her meds but can't understand why. We tell her not to worry we are going to figure it all out. Very sad. So after dealing with MIL this morning, I return home to a message on my phone from my 91 year old father, to call him when I can. I call him back and he tells me that there is an opening for him and my 93 year old mother at an assisted living home only 15 mins from where I live. They can move in the week of July 12th. He thinks they should come up here the last week in June to get things settled (paper work, health assessment etc.). They live in Florida, I live in NH. He is insisting on bringing his car back to NH. He can't drive it back so he wants my brother to fly down to Florida and together they will drive back to NH. I will fly down and fly back with my mother who can not do a road trip. Neither one of them wants to move back here but there is no family in FL to help them out. While on the phone my father tells me how awful my mother has been to him, verbally tormenting him for the last month about moving up here. He says to me with my mother on the other end of the line, tell her, tell her how you feel about moving, tell her what you say to me.....OMG I listen to the two of them and I finally say " I know this is not how you want it to be but we are doing the best we can." "I can't make you happy and I know you will not be happy here but what I can do is make you safe, you will be safe here." Both agreed that safety is the issue and that they can no longer live alone. Before I hung up I said, "Please be kind to each other, think of positive thoughts, let the negative go." My mother said, "I think I can do that." My dad said "please remember that." And so this was my one day, tomorrow is another. Thank you for allowing me to go on with this topic. Maybe it should be in the Rant or Rave section....
Dabronx, I know you do not want to be a bother to your daughter. I hope you can live by yourself and be safe for as long as possible. But don't think of it as bothering your daughter. I am sure she is very concerned about you and wants to keep you safe. Share with her your concerns and together I am sure you can work something out that will ease her mind and concerns. This will also help you knowing that she is there for you if you need her. Stay safe!
The topic is fine here. Having your mom and dad in an assisted living facility is a major accomplishment. It will take a lot of the burden and worry away from you. That they will be close to you is a major bonus! Good strides there. Now if you could get your MIL to follow in their footsteps that would be fantastic as she's not taking her meds right and that is so very important at that age. I'm not sure anything could be done to fix that. However, I think assisted living facilities administer meds. Maybe if she visits the place where mom and dad are going it may plant a seed for her and that would be a good start at least. You're hanging in there and making strides, deep breathes, you'll get through this. ((((( HUGS )))))
Bea, I said to my husband today, once my parents are settled we will take his mom over to have dinner with them and just maybe she will want to stay!!! It would be so perfect....for us....
I'll have to look into an assistance living facility.Currently I live in an elderly residence,Lesley foundation.org,that serves meals.To get in here I had to move my assets to my daughter who lives in Hayward,across the bay.