Because you got to have a joke thread: Yesterday morning I bought two cases of beer on sale at the Beer Store. I placed them on the front seat and headed back home. I stopped at a service station where a drop-dead gorgeous blonde was filling up her car at the next pump. Although it was very cold, she was wearing a very short skirt and a light jacket which was wide open. She glanced at the beer, bent over and knocked on my passenger window. With her bra-less breasts almost falling out her skimpy top she said, in a sexy voice, "I'm a big believer in barter, old fella. Would you be interested in trading sex for beer?" I thought for a few seconds and then asked "What kind of beer ya got?"
There were three women stranded on an island. A brunette, a redhead and a blonde. They found a magic lamp and rubbed it. A Genie popped out and granted each one only one wish. The brunette went first and wished to go home and POOF! she was home. The redhead went next and wished to go home and POOF! She was home. The blonde went next...and wished her friends were with her!
An elderly man on a Moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to a doctor at a street light. The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, 'What kind of car ya got there, sonny?' The doctor replies, 'A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars! ' 'That's a lot of money,' says the old man. 'Why does it cost so much?' 'Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!' states the doctor proudly. The Moped driver asks, 'Mind if I take a look inside?' 'No problem,' replies the doctor. So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then, sitting back on his Moped, the old man says, 'That's a pretty nice car, all right... But I'll stick with my Moped!' Just then the light changes, So the doctor decides to show The old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds The speedometer reads 160 mph. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly WHOOOOSSSHHH ! Something whips by him going much faster! 'What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari ?' the doctor asks himself. He presses harder on the accelerator And takes the Ferrari up to 250 mph. Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the Moped! Amazed that the Moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the Moped at 275 mph and he's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN! Astounded by the speed of this old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320 mph. Not ten seconds later, he sees the Moped bearing down on him again! The Ferrari is flat out, and there's nothing he can do! Suddenly, the Moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end. The doctor stops and jumps out and unbelievably the old man is still alive. He runs up to the banged-up old guy and says, 'I'm a doctor.... Is there anything I can do for you?' The old man whispers, 'Unhook my suspenders from your side view mirror!'
One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife "Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in Slim Fast. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!!" His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded. The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. "What the He!! is this??", he said to himself as a little "dust" cloud appeared when he shook them out. "April," he hollered into the bathroom, "why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?" She replied with a snicker:.... "It's not talcum powder....... It's 'Miracle Grow'
A young guy from North Dakota moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job. The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says "Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in North Dakota." Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he'd give him a shot, so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did." His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to the sales floor. "How many customers bought something from you today?" The kid frowns and looks at the floor and mutters, "One". The boss says "Just one?!!? Our sales people average sales to 20 to 30 customers a day. That will have to change, and soon, if you'd like to continue your employment here. We have very strict standards for our sales force here in Florida. One sale a day might have been acceptable in North Dakota, but you're not on the farm anymore, son." The kid took his beating, but continued to look at his shoes, so the boss felt kinda bad for chewing him out on his first day. He asked (semi-sarcastically), "So, how much was your one sale for?" The kid looks up at his boss and says "$101,237.65". The boss, astonished, says $101,237.65?!? What the heck did you sell?" The kid says, "Well, first, I sold him some new fish hooks. Then I sold him a new fishing rod to go with his new hooks. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition." The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a TRUCK!?" The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing
OK Joke thread has been on the last page for too long: A man got a call from his doctor who said "I have some bad news and some terrible news, which would you rather hear first?" The man says "The bad news." The doctor says "The lab messed up your tests and when they re-did them, they found out you only have 48 hours to live!" The man exclaimed "What could be more terrible than that!!??" The doctor replied "we tried all day yesterday to get hold of you but your phone was busy!" ________________________________________________________ The Matchmaker goes to see Mr. Razzilla, a confirmed bachelor for many years. "Mr. Razzilla, don't leave it too late. I have exactly the girl you need. Say the word and you'll meet and be married in no time!" says the Matchmaker. "Don't bother," replies Mr. Razzilla, "I have two redheaded sisters at home who look after all my needs." "That's all well and good, but all the sisters in the world cannot fill the role of a wife." "I said 'two sisters'. I didn't say they were mine." _____________________________________________ What happened when Napoleon went to Mount Olive? Popeye got pissed.
It was Wednesday afternoon after recess and Little Johnny was sitting at his desk in the front if the classroom with his hands in his pocket. The teacher became concerned and asked Johnny what he was doing? Johnny said I am playing with something long, hard and it has a big head on it! The teacher took offense and scolded Johnny about saying such a thing, then Johnny took offense and told the teacher to get her mind out of the gutter, that it was inappropriate for teachers to think such things about young boys. After a few tense moments and getting tired of the teacher scolding him about sexual matters Johnny said " Teacher, your disgusting it's just a fucking nail I found on the playground and put in my pocket" Lol
The veterinarian had the audacity to say to me, "Mr. White if you'll just come on back here, we'll show you how to do this, and the next time you won't have to bring the dog in. You can just bring in the semen. That's OK. You can just jack the dog off. He follows me around too much as it is." Ron White