What I Heard: What Was Really Said:

hey, we gotta balance the potassium!

 

Friend wearing mask: “Ken Swanson (a mutual acquaintance) is going to be the Parade Marshall for the Calgary Stampede Parade this year!”
Me: “Cool! What did he do that was so special to be chosen for that?”
Friend: mumbles stuff about film
Me : “wait, say again, who??”
Friend with mask off momentarily : “Kevin Costner”

When I explained what I’d heard, it gave her and me the best belly laugh!

 

My friend who lives on a farm: "My dog goes to the next farm, and steals their shoes. They didn't mind his visits, until he killed one of their kittens."
I was all shocked and sad, but she and my husband were just, like, oh yeah, makes sense.

What she actually said: "... until he killed one of their CHICKENS."

 

This one is appropriately festive!

Watching an episode of SeaQuest DSV:

What I heard: “Eat the Christmas tree as fast as you can!”

What was actually said: “Meet me at the Christmas Tree Trench as fast as you can!”