Awakening - Having the Life You Want by Being Present to the Life You Have

I like this one a lot. I think the qualities and quality of our lives depend on which things we carry with us in our minds after they are no longer present.

 

Today's reading reminded me of the coin, or chip I get every year in AA on my anniversary date that has the number of years sober in roman numerals. Early on in my sobriety at times I swear this coin kept me from drinking. I would keep it in my pocket and when I would get the heebie jeebies I would rub that coin and somehow it would calm me, and still does.

I also keep a handkerchief that belonged to my grandmother in the bottom of a drawer in my bureau. It's white with green shamrocks on one corner, and green piping around the edging. It's just a simple hanky, but it means so much to me. I see it and feel it and all the love of my grandmother comes flooding over me.

I also have a necklace that I had given to my mother on one of her birthday's along with a note. After she died, my Dad gave me the necklace and the note. The note meant so much to my Mom that she had kept it. It makes me dry now, still, every time I read it.

 

I love this reading today. Made me think of all the things I have to keep the people who are no longer with me close to my heart.

I have a tiny cross stick pin that belonged to my Grandma. It's so small you probably wouldn't even notice I had it on but I know it's there and it keeps my Grandma close to my heart.

 

March 16 - Nature's Sway

~When the wind stops, the trees still move, the way my heart creaks long after it bends.~

I am always surprised at the aftereffect of being moved deeply by something. I can be hurt or disappointed or feel the warmth of being loved or the gentle sway of being temporarily left, and then I'm ready to chew on something else, seldom allowing for the feelings to digest completely. In fact, I've come to see that much of my confusion in life comes from giving my attention to the next thing too soon, and then wrapping new experience in the remnants of feeling that are not finished with me.

For example, the other day I felt sad because an old friend is ill. I addressed my sadness directly and thought I'd been with this mood enough, so I continued on my way. The next day I found myself in the usual frustration of traffic and shopping, and the indifferent reactions of waitresses and clerks were suddenly making me sad. Or so I thought. Though it seems obvious here in the telling, it wasn't in the happening, and I spent a good deal of misguided energy wondering if it was time to change my lifestyle. But really I was feeling ripples of sadness about my friend's illness.

The deeper lesson involves nature's sway: its approach, its impact, and, especially, its echo. Everything living encounters it, especially us in the unseeable ripples of what we think and feel. Being alive takes time.

 

Oh how true this is. I know it's so important to feel my feelings, and not distract myself from them, ignore them, or stuff them. Feeling them and allowing them is difficult, it takes courage. I also know if I really feel them, honestly face them, and acknowledge them, there's freedom. I think the biggest one is grieving. If you don't spend time feeling those awfully painful feelings, you'll have an inner raw sore forever. Even when you think you have grieved and felt the feelings, the feelings still come up unexpectedly. It takes a long time, with so many additional feelings on top of it involved. Just as the beginning line says -

When the wind stops, the trees still move, the way my heart creaks long after it bends.

 

March 17 - A Great Battle Raging

~There is a great battle raging: for my mouth not to harden and my jaws not to become like heavy doors of an iron safe, so my life may not be called pre-death.~ - Israeli Poet Yehuda Amichai

There is an ancient Greek myth that carries within it, like a message in a bottle, one of the most crucial struggles we face as living beings. It is the story of a gifted musician, Orpheus, whose love, Eurydice, is taken by Hades, the god of the underworld. Orpheus is so grief-stricken that he travels to the land of the dead to plead with Hades to give Eurydice back. After a cold and deliberate consideration, Hades says, "You can have her. It will take you three days to bring her back to the land of the living. There is one condition. You must carry her and you must not look upon her face until you reach the light. If you do, she will return to me forever."

Unfortunately, unknown to Orpheus, Hades tells Eurydice the opposite, "He will carry you to the land of the living, and you must look upon him before you reach the light. If you do not, you will return to me forever." Their colossal struggle fails, and Eurydice is lost forever.

The struggle for us, though, is ongoing. For there is an Orpheus in each of us that believes, if I look, I will die. There is also a Eurydice in each of us that believes, if I don't look, I will die. And so, the great spiritual questions, after "To be or not to be?" is to look or not to look. The personal balance we arrive at determines whether we make it out of hell or not.

Though it shifts throughout our lives, according to our devotions, I believe each of us is born with a natural leaning toward looking or not looking. Not surprisingly, I am one of those feminine seers: I believe that if I don't look, I will die. this probably has a lot to do with my calling to be a poet. So, I admit my bias. For though, like staring into the sun too long, there are times we mustn't look to preserve our sight, more often we need to look to stay alive.

Like each of us, I struggle with both: to be the keeper of secrets or the discoverer of truths. Though no one can tell us how, we have to work this great battle again and again: to leave the underworld - not to harden - and to make our way back into the land of the living.

 

I believe that great evil dwells in some people who do what hades does. They tell one group of people one thing and another group another and watch while they destroy each other and themselves, all the while both groups thinking they are doing the right thing. I think the key is to think for ourselves and look and not look when we think we should not when other people tell us to.

 

March 18 - The Life of a Caretaker

~Accept this gift, so I can see myself as giving. ~

I have been learning that the life of a caretaker is as addictive as the life of an alcoholic. Here the intoxication is the emotional relief that temporarily comes when answering a loved one's need. Though it never lasts, in the moment of answering someone's need, we feel loved. While much good can come from this, especially for those the caretaker attends, the care itself becomes a drink by which we briefly numb a worthlessness that won't go away unless constantly doused by another shot of self-secrifice.

It all tightens until what others need is anticipated beyond what is real, and then, without any true need being voiced, an anxiety to respond builds that can only be relieved if something is offered or done. At the heart of this is the ever-present worry that unless doing something for another there is no possibility of being loved. So the needs of others stand within reach like bottles behind a bar that, try as he or she will, the caretaker cannot resist.

I have experienced this even in the simple issue of calling a loved one while away from home. Even when no one expects to hear from me, I can agonize over whether to call. Often, unable to withstand the discomfort of not registering some evidence of my love, I will end up going to great lengths to call.

In truth, caretaking, though seeming quite generous, is very self-serving, and its urgent self-centeredness prevents a life of genuine compassion. In all honesty, to heal from this requires as rigorous a program of recovery as alcoholics enlist, including sponsors who will love us for who we are.

Within one's self, the remedy of spirit that allows for true giving resides somewhere in the faith to believe that eachof us is worthy of love, just as we are.

 

Wow... this is one that I really need to work on. I see myself and my habits in this one.

 

This is sometimes true and true to a certain extent but the writer doesnt talk about balance. How would the world and our lives be if there were no care takers. No moms looking after kids. I believe tholis is a matter of balance, perspective and a question of the kind of life a person find rewarding. The same out of balance situation could come from a person who enjoys achievement or just about anything else.

 

I didn't take it as not to be a caretaker but more that if we caretake in a selfish way to feel love or gratitude that there is something wrong with what we are doing and there may be something missing within us.

For me, it all comes down to what our motivations are for the caretaking especially when the care really isn't necessary. Are we creating situations to take care of?? That is my flaw, giving care where it is not necessary.

 

Sometimes we are blinded by fear or habit too. It's not always a pleasure addictive motive.

 

March 19 - Weakness

~Our strength will continue if we allow ourselves the courage to feel scared, weak, and vulnerable.~ - Melody Beattie

This is a prayer for the ages. In fact, it helps to define weakness, in spiritual terms, as any habit of mind or heart that prevents us from seeing things exactly as they are, or in their entirety, or with our entire capacity to feel. These are the blindnesses that continually keep us from Truth, Oneness, and Compassion.

We are all frail. We all make mistakes. We all fall prey to a thousand emotions and exaggerations. But these things make us rich, not weak - if we are willing to face them squarely. In truth, it is not the tissue of our humanity that defeats us, but rather our refusal to accept who we are and to live accordingly, limitations included.

Underneath it all, this blindness, in its many recurring forms, is the cause of most cruelty. For it is during those moments when we think we see so clearly that we break things that are irreplacable, not even realizing they were precious.

After breaking many things in my life - hearts, heirlooms, robins' eggs - I am humbled to admit that the only difference I see on Earth between being strong or weak is the honesty with which we face ourselves, accept ourselves, and share oursleves, blemishes and all.

 

Good one.

 

I really loved this one. It reminds us that it is ok to not be perfect and reminds us to own that imperfectness.

 

March 20 - Stirring the Water

~To let knowledge produce troubles, and then use knowledge to prepare against them, is like stirring water in hopes of making it clear.~ - Lao-Tzu

This cycle of producing troubles and then preparing against them is very much like pulling a thread that really should have been left alone. The more we pull it, the more the fabric unravels, and now we must re-sew it all. Or very much like planning too many things, or committing to too many people in too short a time, and then exhausting yourself and those around you trying to make it all happen.

We have all done this. A more subtle form of this revolves around the struggle to accept ourselves. Feeling unworthy or insecure, we create a goal, in hopes that achieving this will make us feel good about ourselves. Then we're off scheming for success, preparing against failure, stirring the water, hoping it will go clear.

All the while, the very deep resources of heart and spirit are being misapplied. Isn't this how we launch into careers that really don't call us? Isn't this how we enter relationships that really don't embrace us? Isn't this how we sometimes bring children into the world, hoping they will help us go clear?

The mind is a spider that, if allowed, will tangle everything and then blame the things it clings to for the web it wants to be free of. I have done this with dreams of greatness and hopes of love, wanting so badly to see myself clearly in the water, while I kept stirring and stirring. Perhaps the hardest thing I've learned, and still struggle with, is that I don't have to be finished in order to be whole.

 

I love the quote so much, I can't bring myself to read the rest. I will after a bit.

But doesn't it just apply to the state of the whole world from top to bottom? People are just too smart for their own good it seems sometimes.

 

I loved it too June and it certainly was relevant to the situation around here these days.

The rest of it will draw you away from that thought somewhat so enjoy the quote for now.

 

Thank you Caroline. I enjoyed this post so much. It is so true

 

This is very deep, no pun intended. Of late I'm just concentrating on staying afloat.