Awakening - Having the Life You Want by Being Present to the Life You Have

Yes June, I too got this message. Practicing meditation and having a spiritual connection was such an important part of my life. When I became ill it became all about the illness. My life has been consumed with this. I hated and resented it. I would never be the same. How could I sit and meditate and be so PRESENT with pain and sickness. I wanted to do whatever it took to make it go away, and/or not feel. But all my teachings said to be still, accept, notice with detachment. All I was doing was screaming inside and avoiding. It was nice to come here and commiserate with fellow sufferers. But to be quiet, still, and totally focused on how it made me feel? Ugh! Every time I attempt this I find something else to preoccupy myself with quickly. It's as if everything that I could feel full of spirit before now has been tainted. I am cutting myself off from living life fully and growing spiritually. Acceptance, I know it comes down to this.

 

April 11 - Turning Light into Food

~We still might feed the dark thing in us that grows away from the light until against all sense we mysteriously flower in the other direction.~

Quietly, each spring, things in the plant world start growing slowly toward the light, while their roots finger their way underground. But once breaking surface, the most amazing thing happens again and again without a sound: the exposed thing growing toward the light stays alive by turning light into food. We've all learned about this. It's called "photosynthesis," the process by which leaves turn sunlight into sugar, which feeds their roots; then the roots, once nourished, make the stems and leaves grow further.

The smallest plant life in spring reveals to us both the challenge of being a spirit in human form and the quiet courage necessary to grow inwardly. For this is our deepest calling: how to turn light into food.

How often we are told, "You can't live on air." Yet if we dare to make our way into the open, we are drawn into the air and the light, and the rest somehow happens. For like the nubs of shoots yet to break ground, we can't help it. Something in our very fiber knows where the light is, even when we can't see it.

My most prolfound experience of this was in the midst of my worst despair after being diagnosed with a tumor pressing on my brain. Inexplicably, despite the fear and terror and sadness, despite doctors and technicians telling me the worst of what they imagined for me - though they really didn't know - somehow, though I was digging deeper in the dark like a stubborn root, some essential vein of being was, for all that, growing toward the light.

And I am here to tell you, you can live on air. The light is our home.

 

I like this one very much. I think the first line says it all. It says to me that we may always carry some dark thoughts with us but it is up to us to choose whether we want to live by that or see things in a better light. I could dwell on the bad days I have or be grateful for all the good days I have and try to make the most of them.

 

April 12 - The Need to Speak

~Just by speaking I can break out of my self-made prison.~ - June Singer

So many times we suppose ourselves out of existence, imagining that if we speak our heart we will be rejected or ignored.

I once watched a man reach to call a friend, excited to share a deep idea that had overcome him. But as the phone was ringing, I saw him imagine a cool reception, saw him try on the pain of not being heard, and quickly, with a sigh or deflation, he hung up before the fourth ring.

Still, the expression - whether misunderstood, well received, or rejected - matters. For the cost of not making the call is that a piece of us dies. Consider how fish swim and birds fly. They do so because it is in their nature. For it is the swimming and the flying that makes them fish and birds.

Likewise, it is the speaking of one's heart that makes a human being human. For even if no one hears us, it is the act of speaking that frees us by letting the spirit swim and fly through the world.

 

A good thought to ponder.

 

"I once watched a man reach to call a friend, excited to share a deep idea that had overcome him. But as the phone was ringing, I saw him imagine a cool reception, saw him try on the pain of not being heard, and quickly, with a sigh or deflation, he hung up before the fourth ring."

Oh my gosh, I have done this before. Had really good news and went to tell someone or call them on the phone and changed my mind because I thought they wouldn't be as excited as I was about it.

Just seeing it in writing makes me want to NOT do that anymore.

 

I felt the same way Lulu... I find that I do that with good news. Funny how that is.

This also hit a chord with me because there is some stuff I want to discuss with the BF but I have been down in the dumps a bit lately and I am not sure if I am feeling things because I am down in the dumps or if these things made me down in the dumps. Does that make sense??

 

I do understand what you mean Caroline. Sometimes it's hard to figure out.

Like with me...some days I feel lonely and depressed. Am I feeling lonely because I'm depressed or am I depressed because I feel lonely?

It's hard to tell someone else how we are feeling when we sometimes can't sort out the thoughts in our minds to be able to make sense of them. I hope you start to feel better and that you will be able to discuss your concerns with your BF sweetie. ((hugs)) :-*

 

People (and dogs) read our body language to see what kind of reaction we anticipate and try to oblige us.

 

I suppose that is true June. I'm a very enthusiastic person and I tend to get disappointed when I am excited about something and the other person doesn't share my same level of enthusiasm. I know that is my problem not theirs and it should be enough that I'm happy about my news. I shouldn't expect others to have the same reaction that I do.

 

That's a downer to everyone when it happens. I have learned that some people will always try to share my joy and some rarely will. I try to remind myself with whom I want to share my happy moments.

 

You are always a wise voice June... :-*

Thanks for the comraderie Lulu... I will figure it out. These things usually pass. :-*

 

April 13 - A Profound Bow

~All streams flow to the sea because it is lower than they are. Humility gives it its power.~ - Lao-Tzu

There is a Yoga mudra, a kneeling posture of exercise, where by bringing your head to your chest while extending your arms up and out behind you, you can practice placing your head beneath you heart. And from this humbling position, you can't help but tire, and so, you must put your arms down. With your head beneath your heart, you must stop doing.

Soon after learning this , I came upon a woman who had been a nun, and she told me that she would practice for days upon days similar postures of Gregorain Chant: incline, bow, and profound bow - each bringing the head lower and lower to the earth.

This holds a powerful lesson: Time and time again, the head must be brought beneath the heart or the ego swells. If you do not bend, life will bend you. In this way, humility is accepting that your head belongs beneath your heart, with your thinking subordinate to your feeling, with your will subordinate to the higher order. This acceptance is key to receiving grace.

Lay your head down and the world of being will open its joys.

 

I like that one!

 

Wow...really great one today Caroline! I love the line "If you do not bend, life will bend you."

 

April 14 - Self-Confidence

~It may have nothing to do with me, but if a friend or loved one is sad or angry, I can secretly wonder, What did I do? What can I do? Why didn't I do it all better to begin with?~

I am often surprised and humbled by how quickly in my insecurity I can begin to assume responsibility for all the wrongs and sufferings I see around me. When thrown off-center, when old patterns return, when feeling exhausted or depressed, I so quickly become the exaggerated cause of all that is not right with the world.

I know I am not alone in this. Perhaps it is one of the laws of emotional weather: sudden lows result in isolated storms. It has happened to me enough over the years that I have to acknowledge the power of negative self-centeredness. We typically think of the ego-centered as being conceited and self-inflated and quite selfish. But this recurring struggle with exaggerated responsibility has made me realize that more often we are ego-centered when feeling deflated, when feeling shaken from our sense of oneness with things. In that place of separation, we become darkly self-centered, blaming ourselves for not fixing things or making things right or for letting bad things happen. Underneath these self-recriminations is the grandiose assumption that we have the power, in the first place, to control events that are really beyond any human being's influence.

Certainly, we affect each other, and often, but to assume that other people's inner moods hinge on my presence is an egocentric way to keep myself in a cycle of sacrifice and guilt. Further, to assume that another's condition or way of being in the world hinges on my presence is the beginning of self-oppression and codependence. In extreme moments of negative self-centeredness, we can even assume magical proportions of burden, in which we feel acutely responsible for a loved one's illness or misforturne because we weren't good enough or there enough or perfect enough.

It is helpful to note here psychologist Michael Mahoney's definition of self-confidence. He traces confidence to the Latin confidere, "fidelity," and understands self-confidence as a fidelity to the self. Indeed, it is only a devotion to that sacred bottom beneath our moods of insecurity that brings us back in accord with the center of the heart which shares the same living center with all beings. This is what the Hindu tradition calls Atman, the shared immortal self.

So now, when I trip into moments of low-esteem and feel certain that I am the cause of all this bad weather, I try to feel the pace of the Earth turning beneath my feet and the pace of the clouds drifting over my head and the pace of my heart opening after a lifetime of pain. When these align, I am weakened of my ordinary will and awakened into a power greater than any one heart, greater than the weather of any one day or the mood of any one life.

 

Oh this is another really good one to think about. Thanks Caroline. I know I haven't said it in a while, but I really do appreciate you posting these little gems every day. I've found more than quite a few of them to be very eye opening for me.

Just wanted you to know what you do here does not go unnoticed by me sweetie. ((hugs)) :-*

 

Thanks Lulu... I am glad you are and the others are enjoying them. They have been incredibly helpful for me too.

 

April 15 - The Next Step to Health

~The deeper the cry, the more clear the choice.~

I have a friend who has called into question whom he should love. This opened a field of complexities, and life quickly became an endless consideration of possibilities and allegiances.

But beneath the endless inventories, his soul was calling out from way inside, and through his pain, my friend kept hearing this far-off cry surface at the oddest times. Soon, he realized this cry was, indeed, much deeper than "Who?' His very soul was begging to feel. This seemed more serious, more urgent, more filled with terror than a choice between one woman and another.

As he began to struggle with facing himself, my friend began to realize that all the decisions to be made about who and where and when were really heartfelt distractions from a deeper cry. Underneath all the painful ambiguities and assessments, his very soul was drowning, sinking out of reach of the feel of life. Once hearing the deeper cry within himslef, his choice became extremely basic and very straightforward: How do I regain my wonder at being alive? What must I do to keep my heart from sinking?

Time and again, we are shown by the quiet courage of others that if we can let the deeper cry through, the next step to health will come plainly into view.

 

"What must I do to keep my heart from sinking?" There are some days when I really wish I knew the answer to this question. I just haven't been able to figure it out yet for myself.